Five to nine

Have a drink.

December 15, 2004

The thing about Martinis is,

... people like the sound coming out of their mouth when they order them, a lot more than they like drinking them. I encounter this problem a lot when working behind a cocktail bar for the Jewish community. (As I have mentioned before, they wrongly call it a martini bar). First of all, there are few who order a martini to begin with. Mostly they like the lemon drops, the cosmopolitans and the sour apple cocktails. And among the few who order a proper martini, most of them sound like they're reading a line from a script. "Vodka martini, straight up with olives". I then ask thm how they like their martini, bcause they have told me nothing useful. they look confused. you can almost see the gears in their head grinding "The guy in the movies orders that all the time, and the bartender knows exactly what to do!" As you can see, i have done nothing but shake and strain drinks all night long behind this bar, this is what a drink "straight up" means. What the hell would make them think that i would start putting ice in their drink if I haven't done so all night long? Well, eventually, they will ask me what I mean when I ask them how they want it. I mean, do you like your drink sweet? Medium dry? or the dreaded "extra dry vodka martini" which really is nothing more than a cold shot of vodka ordered pompously.
Now, ordinarily, I refrain from making fun of what one would call "posers". I generally respect people's desire to present any facade they choose; and being a big phony myself, I would hate to be a hypocrite. however, on this issue, I will call out the poseurs. Not because I resent them for trying to be cool by ordering a drink in a way they think will make them look more sophisticated; but because in this case, ordering your fancy spy drink in such a way has the exact opposite of the desired effect. You see, by ordering this drink in this way, you make it immediately obvious that a) you don't really drink much and b) you're trying to make it seem like you drink more than you actually do, and by extension that you're cooler than you actually are.
My advice to you: Relax, guy. Drink something more your speed, some drink you don't have to recall from a movie. Don't worry about trying to seem cooler. Drinking, anything, will automatically make you cool*. Leave Martinis for the people who enjoy the crisp taste of neutral spirits tempered with the fragrant hug of vermouth.
And also, James Bond notwithstanding, stirring is the right thing to do to a drink of this nature. Shaking it will only "bruise" or unnecessarily water down your cocktail.

*drinking does not actually make you cool. It is actually way lame.