Five to nine

Have a drink.

September 23, 2004

Euphemisms

The important ingredient in booze is ethanol, or ethyl alcohol. It is a "light" molecule that is perfectly soluble in water. It's like being on the guest list to the cell party. It can get in without waiting in digestion line. Most of it is absorbed in the small intestine. How quickly you get drunk depends on many factors, but the most influential is how quickly your stomach empties into your small intestine. Once it slips through the membranes, it begins depression of your central nervous system, and your mind and body can begin to lag as your spirit begins to soar. It will dull your senses, including that oh so inconvenient gag reflex. Some will use this time to fill the stomach with a new load of booze, because that's when it is easiest. Result: about the time your first grace period is over, your stomach will be dumping the oh-so-impressive round two into the intestine and shortly, you will be about four times drunker than you'd figured, without having to drink much more. It is these miscalculations which give new drinkers a hard time, and pickled old souses a reason to live. They can get real ugly real fast, and so we could fill a thesaurus with the words we use in polite conversation to refer to this terrible/great feeling.
Tipsy, tight, blind, snookered, blitzed, blasted, done, plastered, plowed, sloshed, tanked, wasted, spent, gone, arse-over-tit, blotto, bombed, crocked, destroyed, hammered, juiced, loaded, obliterated, sauced, shit-faced, smashed, stewed, three sheets to the dang ol' wind man, under the table, you get the picture.
Like mixing a little lemon juice into gin drinks, mixing these euphemisms with our reasoning makes this hard-to-swallow proposition a little easier to, uhm, swallow.

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