Five to nine

Have a drink.

August 24, 2004

Someone spiked the punch!

A luscious louche and old acquaintance remarks on a problem that is not unique. Being accustomed to merrymaking with friends, it's always a little depressing when, because of financial situations you have to lose the habit.
There's an easy way to stay in good spirits, even when the spirits available to you are not so good. A good punch. Here are a couple of tried and true recipes, from good people I know.

Mr. Marcelo's fuck'em up juice

(patent pending)
  • 1 part vodka.
  • 1 part flavored white zinfandel or other blush wine.
  • 2 parts cranberry juice.

I've tried this one myself and a few alternate recipes. It's good. Mr. Marcelo assures me that flavored blush wine is expensive in NYC and not much of a money-saver. All I ever drank in New York was beer, Whiskey, gin and work product, so i cannot vouch for that. But the crap is like 9 dollars a gallon at Ralphs here in L.A. I can't imagine it's too much more than that anywhere. This punch is strong, easy to swallow, and since its sugar comes packaged as fructose rather than sucrose and it's wine is pink rather than red, it is relatively hangover friendly.
It always struck me as funny that Marcelo called it a fuck'EM up juice rather than fuck-you-up juice or fuck-us-up juice. I wonder if he knows something about this we don't. You can invite him to your party if you'd like.
If your friends would disapprove of you if they knew how ghetto you were or if you do more cooking than drinking at your place, you can try this favorite of the people of my people.


  • 1 magnum(1.5 liters) of cheap red wine
  • 7oz cheap gin (or vodka, preferably gin)
  • 2 lemons, sliced
  • 2 peaches, sliced
  • 2 bananas, sliced
  • 2 apples, cubed
  • 4 oranges, peeled and cubed
  • 6 whole cloves
  • half a stick of whole cinnamon

Mix all ingredients well, refrigerate for two hours. Serve in a glass with plenty of ice and 2oz. of mineral or soda water.
For a more intimate group of friends who plan to begin and end an evening at home (a looong evening at home) is one of two IanPunch recipes. Ian is a legend and we'll never be able to do what he does, but i thought I'd share anyways.


    1 liter double-proof (i.e. 80% alc. by vol. @25 degrees Centigrade) Vodka
  • 1/4 cup of your favorite spice* well ground
  • a watermelon
  • Ice cream or yogurt or juice or honey or whatever

let the well ground spice sit in the vodka for 2-3 days, more if possible. Cut a 3 inch hole at the top of the melon and a 1.5 inch hole at the bottom. SLOWLY pour the vodka into the larger hole, watch the fun as some water drains from the bottom. Eat some of the melon, make smoothies with it, chase it with beer, etc. Just make sure you don't have anything real important to do for like, six hours.

*it is imperative that you have the correct favorite spice, as many will ruin this recipe. If you are confused as to what your favorite spice is, please contact me personally.


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