Five to nine

Have a drink.

August 24, 2004

Someone spiked the punch!

A luscious louche and old acquaintance remarks on a problem that is not unique. Being accustomed to merrymaking with friends, it's always a little depressing when, because of financial situations you have to lose the habit.
There's an easy way to stay in good spirits, even when the spirits available to you are not so good. A good punch. Here are a couple of tried and true recipes, from good people I know.

Mr. Marcelo's fuck'em up juice

(patent pending)
  • 1 part vodka.
  • 1 part flavored white zinfandel or other blush wine.
  • 2 parts cranberry juice.

I've tried this one myself and a few alternate recipes. It's good. Mr. Marcelo assures me that flavored blush wine is expensive in NYC and not much of a money-saver. All I ever drank in New York was beer, Whiskey, gin and work product, so i cannot vouch for that. But the crap is like 9 dollars a gallon at Ralphs here in L.A. I can't imagine it's too much more than that anywhere. This punch is strong, easy to swallow, and since its sugar comes packaged as fructose rather than sucrose and it's wine is pink rather than red, it is relatively hangover friendly.
It always struck me as funny that Marcelo called it a fuck'EM up juice rather than fuck-you-up juice or fuck-us-up juice. I wonder if he knows something about this we don't. You can invite him to your party if you'd like.
If your friends would disapprove of you if they knew how ghetto you were or if you do more cooking than drinking at your place, you can try this favorite of the people of my people.


  • 1 magnum(1.5 liters) of cheap red wine
  • 7oz cheap gin (or vodka, preferably gin)
  • 2 lemons, sliced
  • 2 peaches, sliced
  • 2 bananas, sliced
  • 2 apples, cubed
  • 4 oranges, peeled and cubed
  • 6 whole cloves
  • half a stick of whole cinnamon

Mix all ingredients well, refrigerate for two hours. Serve in a glass with plenty of ice and 2oz. of mineral or soda water.
For a more intimate group of friends who plan to begin and end an evening at home (a looong evening at home) is one of two IanPunch recipes. Ian is a legend and we'll never be able to do what he does, but i thought I'd share anyways.


    1 liter double-proof (i.e. 80% alc. by vol. @25 degrees Centigrade) Vodka
  • 1/4 cup of your favorite spice* well ground
  • a watermelon
  • Ice cream or yogurt or juice or honey or whatever

let the well ground spice sit in the vodka for 2-3 days, more if possible. Cut a 3 inch hole at the top of the melon and a 1.5 inch hole at the bottom. SLOWLY pour the vodka into the larger hole, watch the fun as some water drains from the bottom. Eat some of the melon, make smoothies with it, chase it with beer, etc. Just make sure you don't have anything real important to do for like, six hours.

*it is imperative that you have the correct favorite spice, as many will ruin this recipe. If you are confused as to what your favorite spice is, please contact me personally.

August 22, 2004

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

S. Klein throws THE BEST parties. S. Klein went to Law School at Tulane. Her family loves her very much, and they're always invited to her parties. Her colleagues love her very much, and they always come to her parties. Smart, rich, sexy, important, young lawyers; Oh my!
S. Klein always throws parties with themes, e.g. party New Orleans style... She always mixes delicious punches that go right along with the theme (e.g. Hurricane and vodka, or rum.) She makes delicious Hors'devours right along those same lines. Just imagine, cayenne spiced chicken wings, bread pudding with bourbon sauce, a big plate of Louisiana shrimp. Just imagine!
But that's not it.
At some time, at just the right time, she'll find you and lose everyone else, and talk to you about exactly the right thing, like it matters the most, for the perfect amount of time. And then, before you leave, for some wonderful reason, she'll find you and do it again.
So, in the end, every guest will leave knowing for a fact that their beautiful young hostess was especially glad to see them in particular.
S. Klein throws the best parties!

UPDATE: Going to mass hungover is not the best. Not the best at all.

August 20, 2004

Cheers to middle school english, grammar and composition teachers,

because honestly; as they stood there teaching us spelling, verbs, nouns, adjectives, gerunds, tenses, 8-3, year after year, with nothing but our blank stares for gratitude, with nothing but the end of the year to look forward to, when could they have possibly imagined that sitting around writing essays would be the hip new pastime of the 21st century?

well, now you don't have to wait until happy hour to toast each other, because I am including 2 recipes which can be sneaked past the eyes and noses of impressionable young school-kids and discerning principals alike. One is for summer, one is for winter and each recipe can be multiplied to make a pitcher or a kettle full. Because, after all, who wants a disgruntled colleague?

Bloody Mary

  • 3 oz vodka
  • big pinch of salt
  • dash of pepper
  • dash of horseradish
  • juice of half of a big juicy lime
  • dash of hot sauce (tapatio works best)
  • splash of worcestershire sauce
  • generous sprinkling of celery salt.

Stir together with ice in a big glass, top with 5-6 oz of tomato juice and stir again.
Chill in teachers lounge between classes.
That goes for the drink too ; )


  • 6.5 oz water
  • 3 Tablespoons of sugar
  • half an un-ground cinnamon stick.

Over medium heat, dissolve the sugar into the water. Break the cinnamon stick a LITTLE (Important: if you break it into pieces that are too small, it will be bitter) and stir it in the sugar-water 3-5 minutes. Let cool a minute, and pour into a mug with 2 oz. white Tequila. I can recommend Sauza as a tasty, affordable brand.

-Cheers, Ms. Snyder, Mrs. Novack, Mr. Vail and all the rest of you.

August 17, 2004

The thing about Manhattan's is, they're hard to make.

Hey, I like this kid, i can't believe you were going to shoot him. Can you mix drinks?...
...I'll have a Manhattan

Once I took a bartender test, and it involved standing in front of a still not to tipsy panel of judges. I was to try and seem charming and recall a random drink recipe all at once. This would determine wether or not I was qualified to serve booze in exchange for money.

I'll have a Manhattan.

My Luck, the drink was a manhattan. the first recipe I learned, thanks to one of my favorite stories, and my joke was good.
"yo know, the last time I made this drink it was at a halloween costume party. open bar for anyone in a costume. A guy comes up in nothing but apair of levis and orders one. I told him 'listen buddy, the bar is open for people with costumes, but if you dont put on shoes and a shirt, I can't give you service.' 'What are you talking about, I have the best costume in the joint; I'm a premature ejaculation.' 'Say WHAT?!' "yeah' he says, 'I just came in my pants"
and with that I handed them a perfect manhattan Straight up.
Why that's the best manhattan i've ever had!

It was a good drink, said the judges. Thank goodness because there was a lot riding on this, my first Manhattan.
You promised me the best manhattan I'd ever had. Where is your bartender?

All I had to do now was wait and hear I got the job
What have I done to desoive such a flat, flavorless Manhattan?

I got the job, and though it never got me indicted for murder, I did develop something of a habit of arriving late, but not once did I serve a flat, flavorless Manhattan. Everyone always forgave me. No one forgives a bad Manhattan.


2 oz. Whiskey (bourbon if you've got a sweet tooth, scotch if you want to make a Rob Roy)
1/2-3/4 oz vermouth
dash of angostura bitters

shake ingredients GINGERLY untill your drink is cold. Serve straight up if it's cold outside. On the rocks this makes an excellent summer sip. You can do it with sweet vermouth, dry vermouth or even half and half for a Perfect Manhattan, it all depends on what your friends like best. Garnish with a flag.
Note: a flag is made by spearing a maraschino cherry onto a slice of orange.


August 13, 2004

Um brinde a estes homens

Portugal perdeu o jogo mas todo mundo gano um pouco. Os jogadores de futibol Iraqies ganaron ontem 4-2, mas mais importante e que nao tiveram horror as torturas de o filhio Hussein depois de o partido.
Nao posso invitar-os uma cerveja porque Mohamed nao os permite ficar bebados.

August 12, 2004

We're different and easy 'round here

From this side of the bar we're always learning. By now I can do two things well. Get you drunk, and figure you out. Get your people drunk and figure them out. Repeating patterns can be discerned by the nuanced barkeep, and acted upon next time they are expected with a little bit of preparation. Some patterns are more obvious and predictable than others, and therefore more easily prepared for. These most obvious and predictable patterns of behavior are called "stereotypes" by the unenlightened.

Once upon a time I was behind the bar of a private party with my favorite coworker ever. A pretty, smart, sexy Brit. Favorite for 2 good reasons, the first being obvious and the second being that it made my job a breeze. (Think about it, a nice looking girl with a sexy accent is gonna get 85% of the attention therefore about 75% of the demands made from the bar.)
The hosts were black, the neighborhood was the Bronx, and all of the guests were black. The music was excellent, the dancing was rhythmic, the drinks were flowing cause we did a good job. At the end of the night we were thanked profusely by this charming family with smiles, our wages, plus four dollars in tip between us. On the crazy cab ride home, this wilted flower was livid, having taken this as a personal insult. I brought to her attention the origin of the black community in America, and how this history has left a mark on socioeconomic relationships to this day. As a result, money is used by our different communities in different ways, and not always as a way to say thank you.
The next day, she thanked me for my insight in helping her learn that we left that party with no less gratitude than we've gotten even from our most generous hosts . Always nice to hear from someone older and wiser than myself. (Disclaimer I am younger than almost everyone and wiser than no one.)

I learned that black people love Alize, a sweet brandy concoction. Especially when mixed with vodka.

Alize lowball

3 oz. Alize
3 oz. Vodka

Stir in a glass with plenty of Ice.

August 11, 2004

Everybody buy these men a drink.

By now, if you're the last person on earth who hasn't read this blog then you should. But then the next time you run into him, or any of his ilk, you should offer them a pint of cold beer. Or half a six-pack. Neat Jameson whiskey, I bet the officers would love. But that aside, you get CB anything he wants!

August 08, 2004

Que llegue la hora

Despues de toda cena decente, es importante que se separen los hombres de las mujeres. Todos sean bienvenidos a la cerveza, pero despues de la cena, que los hombres se sirvan un Brandy, y las mujeres un cafe. Los niños que juegen y no den lata.

Y cuando un niño ya este demasiado grande para jugar, que se siente y se sirva un tequila con los grandes. Y aunque no sea su primer trago, que sea la primera vez que los grandes se fijen como se comporta en esta condicion. Que se calle, que escuche, y que deje caer una broma a la hora adecuada. Y asi, que lo vuelvan a invitar un vino la proxima vez que venga a cenar.

Salud chamaco.