Five to nine

Have a drink.

July 14, 2005

"I like to have a Martini...

...two at the very most."
After three I'm overreacting.
After four I would have been toast.
(With all apologies to dorothy parker)

But then again, Maybe I didn't overreact. Maybe there's a subtle difference between overreacting, and merely reacting poorly. I will let you be the judge of me, oh gentle reader.
If you were sitting in a small lounge after your friends live set of music was over, trying to make polite small talk with a table full of pretty accountants (yes, accountants and yes, dead sexy) when one of them thinks it'd be cute to pinch your ear and run her fingers through your hair, what would you do? Make a joke about it to hide your discomfort and move just a little further away? Cause that's what I did. What if it happened twice? eep! What if the pretty stranger then grabbed you by the shoulder and started undoing the buttons of your shirt? All this before she introduces herself? At a place that wasn't even "that kind of place". Was I wrong to get up off the table, and sit at the bar and explain to my friend with just a look that his girlfriend's colleagues were creeping me out? I later let him know in no uncertain terms that kind of behavior is unacceptable only to be told to not be such a pussy and to take my gentle raping with a smile next time.
Am I wrong to think that kind of behavior is unacceptable? Would you feel the same way if the genders were reversed, and it was a guy trying to rip off a strange woman's blouse with no more license than "she knows one of my co-workers"?
I didn't think so.
On a more pleasant note, the martinis at "room 5" were excellent, and big enough to tranquilize a horse. Just make sure you stop at two, so that if something upsetting happens you're not at a loss for words.

June 21, 2005

The thing about melted ice is... can make your drink look discarded. I suppose the Europeans could have the right idea, they eschew ice, preferring to devote more attention to refrigerating their drinks. But like the one chick said in that movie, It's not just about making your drink cold. It's about the texture, the way those cubes of Ice feel when they press against your very sensitive lips every time you take a sip. Also why I avoid straws.

But I digress. My original point was that sometimes drinks that look discarded are taken away by eager bus staff. To avoid this problem the universal symbol for "I'm still drinking this" is a cocktail napkin over the top. Or a promotional coaster. Most bars have plenty of both.

It also occurs to me ladies, that if someone could have bussed away your drink without you noticing it, someone different could just as easily slipped Rohypnol or GHB into the same drink. so mind who you're drinking with!

June 20, 2005

It's windy out, but so very nice.

The best things about Summertime can mostly be found at garden parties with a patio bar. Or any parties with an outdoor bar. Sunshine and BBQ, mimosas and girls in bright sun-dresses, cold lowballs and beer. And to protect their hands from condensation, guests drinking cold drinks will take a cocktail napkin from the bar. But in the spring and summertime, it is often windy outside, so to keep your napkins from flying away from your friends, take a cloth napkin, fold it in half, then in half again the long way, and wrap it around your napkins. There. the weight of the napkins themselves will help to keep them from blowing over. Now, go have a garden party!


  • 3 oz. Champagne
  • 3 oz. fresh, chilled orange juice

Into a chilled, stemmed goblet or flute, pour orange juice first then champagne. Drink quickly and whimsically.

June 15, 2005

Hiatuses suck

And I apologize for the light blogging. For a long time, I was not working, and I blame only myself. And Ozzy. Mostly Ozzy. I work for new people now, and I am much happier, and I hope it leads to better stories. To the people at Starlight catering, I thank you for your faithful employment, and I thank you even more for giving me a reason to go out with a bang. My last weekend there was a blast! I worked friday and all day saturday and sunday I was scheduled to work all day and all night. And faithfully and exhausted, I reported for duty. I have to help them doctor the documents because if I claim that I worked more than 8 hours the same day, by California labor laws, they'd have to pay me overtime, and as a loyal employee, I was more than happy to oblige for a long time. Who the hell is the government to tell me I am not allowed to sell myself short?

The party was moving out of the hors d'oeuvres room and into the dinner room, It is our job to clean up ASAP. Our gifted captain Ozzy chose this time, when all the dirty dishes were coming into the kitchen to send the boys in the scullery on break. As a result of this insightful planning, the dishes quickly piled up higher than the bartenders and servers could stack them. The remains were falling on the floor, and it soon became very slippery. When I came in with a big tray full of tall wobbly champagne flutes and slipped, one of them came crashing down. When you break one dish, nobody thinks anything of it. I got a broom and tidied up. Someone with more seniority scolded ozzy for allowing a hazard to be created in the kitchen. He responded by bringing in the dishwashers back from break. Good Job you old communist! so the next time I came back with a tray full of wobbling champagne flutes the kitchen was just as messy but with twice as many people inside trying to scurry to get their job done. well done. So it seemed not at all unexpected when (wouldn't you know it) someone bumped into me and I dropped yet another flute. And then Ozzy unloaded on me for being so clumsy. I agreed wholeheartedly. "I am obviously costing you more money than I am worth tonight." I took my pen, took my things signed out, and without a word of goodbye to the colleagues and friends I had been cultivating for two years, left Starlight catering forever. It felt good to be that impulsive.

About Ozzy, Once when working at the beverly hills super-mansion of one of our nations premiere real estate moguls, I overheard ozzy in conversation saying something to the effect of (and imagine some vaguely eastern european accent) "We could solve all the hungry people in the world if everyone who was a very rich person gave just one million dollars, which to them is nothing. That could buy all the food poor people need." I never thought much of him as an intellect, but this was the first time I understood just how stupid this man was.His socialist wealth re-distribution ideals however always take a back-seat when he is given a tip for the staff at the end of the night. Don't tell the Jew-Parishoners at Valley Beth Shalom this, but whenever he is given a tip for the staff, it goes straight into his pocket. I don't know if you believe in heaven, or in God, but you can believe that man is going to hell. I had sorta told him off a couple of times before, once when he was bugging me as I set up the bar I just snapped "I KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING." And once on the road of L.A., the great equalizer, I cut him off bad. What could he do? I'm not on the clock, here we're just all motorists. I owe him a good deal of thanks though, because he gave me a chance to tell him off one last time.

After I stormed out, I guess I started a little avalanche because their scheduling guy quit, as did much of their part-time staff. A couple months later, the scheduling guy (Mike Siegel, look for him in an episode of Joan of Arcadia) gave me more and better work in much friendlier modular bars and I was content. Starlight however was having a terrible time staffing. SO bad, they have to go to staffing companies to fill in the blanks left by their ever decreasing in-house people (which cuts deep into the bottom line. The mark-up on the wages of in house staff is close to 100%, on private contractors it's close to nil). And in june it got bad. So bad, that I'd heard Ozzy was calling many of his erstwhile staff begging them to come back. I didn't believe it until I got the call myself.
"Hello Eric, this is Ozzy"
"Hello Ozzy, what can I do for you."
"We are wondering why we haven't herd from you in a while now"
"Well, I work for Michael now and I'm pretty set here"
"It wasn't Michael who gave you the job, It was starlight and you have to come back"
"I was under the impression that it would violate business ethics to work for both, so I work here now" (this is me trying to be diplomatic)
"Bur Eric, we gave you the job and it is wrong of you to leave to work for someone else"
(can you hear the last bit of patience and diplomacy leaving my body in one fell swoop? the implications that I owe you a favor because you gave me work once upon a time is Uncapitalist, Unamerican and violates everything I think I believe about how work works, and I thank you ozzy for allowing me to truly test my beliefs)
slightly louder now "Let me be clear, I like my new job, and I owe you nothing, this is an open market, and I have a better job that pays a little more with a much better captain than you. You guys can't compete and that's all there is to it!"
"So, that is the way it is then?"
"That's all. Good luck finding more people"
It felt so good, I had to pour myself a drink afterwards.

April 02, 2005


On wednesday night they have Boogamania. Booga-burgers is what they call the hamburgers there at tanners. Burgers are 2 X $6 or one for three-fity. It is a great deal. Like any bar that serves Mexicans, they will put tomato and lime juice in your beer upon request. While this may cause an immediate and unfavorable gut reaction in most of the beer faithful, it's just one of those things that works. Like tequila and grapefruit, like bourbon and peach, you just gotta take it on faith until you can try it yourself.
Funny thing about tanners, it's outta the way. totally out of the way. It is in wichita, kansas: population, 0.35 million. My grandfather has six sisters, five of them still with us, four of them live in wichita, three of them have raised their families there. It made sense that my darling sister was going to spend her spring break there, and it made sense to surprise her by doing the same.
My sister was very glad to see me, (and I her) my aunts were happy to spoil me, and wichita, Kansas is a lot like you'd expect. In fact, there was only one very nice surprise (though a lot of nice things) about wichita, and that was remembering how good an old favorite , like a prepared beer, like cheap burgers with the uncles can be.

Cerveza preparada

  • Clamato
  • Beer
  • lime
  • salt

In a salt rimmed pint glass, pour ~2.5 oz tomato juice, the juice of half a lime, and beer. Pour the beer from higher above the glass than is your custom, so that the beer and juice may mix well.

March 16, 2005

A quiz

Bacardi 151

Congratulations! You're 158 proof, with specific scores in beer (100) , wine (116), and liquor (130).
All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender

You scored higher than 93%
on proof

You scored higher than 94%
on beer index

You scored higher than 98%
on wine index

You scored higher than 99%
on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

I beat George the bouncer, and he's a drunk! Not me. I'm artistic, I'm scientific.

February 04, 2005

Love is in the Air

It's that time of year again. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the flowers are blooming. I have noticed as an observer that during this time of year, boys are especially interested in strange girls and these same strange girls are especially interested in flirting back. If you live on the east coast and still have 6 more months until the nice weather, then I apologize, but Saint Valentines day is coming up, so this post might be helpful to you anyways.

Game and skills are all well and good, but if you want to get a strange girl to like you the best, then you're not gonna do it by re-inventing the wheel. You're gonna need to make yer girlie feel special, feel girlie, and you're gonna need booze. Fortunately if you shake the right cocktail, you can kill two birds with one stone. The following is a collection of drinks that looks girlie and taste good. Just like your springtime should. Just like your date should.

Sex on the Beach

  • 1.5 oz of Vodka
  • 1.5 oz Peach schnapps
  • 2.5 oz Orange juice
  • 2.5 oz Cranberry juice
  • Plenty of ice

In a highball glass (12 oz) filled with ice, pour the vodka and schnapps and stir. well. Pour some of the OJ and Cranberry juice and stir again. a little more ice, and pour the remaining juice without stirring. the colors will diffuse into each other in a sexy dance of orange and purple. Follow it up with your own suggestive dance. If she seems startled at having her hips led around by her slender waist, just tell her the barkeep made you do it.

Tequila Sunrise

  • 1.5-2.0 oz. Tequila
  • 6 oz OJ
  • Splash of grenadine
  • plenty of ice

pour tequila and juice over ice (again in a highball glass) and stir. Tilt the glass and run the grenadine down the side. It will sink to the bottom and look like a sunrise. The drink will then gladly lend itself to any amount of innuendo and double entendre that your girl will tolerate. Only slightly less suggestive and only slightly more alcoholic is the Tequila sunset, prepared the same except at the end, instead of sinking grenadine, you should float some berry brandy.

Pink Gin and Tonic

You know how to make a gin and tonic. Girls love'em. Splash a little bit o' Campari to add colour and flavour. For a real visceral experience, mix this Highball over a blacklight.

For those of you lucky gentlemen seeking the attention of luscious louches, i will return soon with cocktail recipes.